The Agony Of The Unemotional
by Sundown
Summary: Something happens to Brian, causing him to to question himself and to detach from all those who love him, both physically and inwardly, once again. Please review if in the mood : Hope you guys like it! [sorry the update took so long!]
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer: **I don't own any of these characters etc. They belong to the creators of Queer As Folk

**Apologies: **If any issues/words/comments offend.

* * *

He stepped out of the club, the cold air softly licking at his face, and looked up the street. Men were walking with their partners, either in relationships or just for an impulsive, ambiguous fuck that they wouldn't remember in the morning.

_You can tell the difference between the two distinctions of couples. _He thought to himself as he lit a cigarette and began to stroll up the street. _The one-night, one-hour, one minute fuckers don't talk. They know exactly why they found each other, and exactly where they're going._

A blur of the same, colourful, monotonous nightlife droned out behind him as he casually continued to walk. _It's a surprise I haven't killed myself yet. _He thought, causing him to smirk sarcastically at his own dramatic life perception.

He took a long drag of the white stick in his hand, imagining the smoke curling and twisting itself down his throat and setting up camp in his lungs. He held it there for a second before releasing the smoke to the outside through his mouth and nose. He reached near the end of the street when he felt a surreal presence lurk behind him. _Paranoia? This time of night. You have really outdone yourself tonight old boy._

He heard sniggers behind him, confirming the company of at least two other men. He lifted his chin and continued to walk casually, knowing that if he picked up the pace, these men would receive their desired scared little guinea pig to squash.

Just as he was about to turn, his arms were both grabbed by a pull of strength and violently dragged into an alley where he was shoved to the floor.

He felt oddly compelled to laugh as he stood up and looked at his grazed arm. Which he did as he faced his attackers, who to his surprise, didn't seem to have faces at all. They were shadows…they didn't even fall under the category of men. He could just make out the feint outline of three of them.

They were slightly taken aback by the fact that their prey was amused, in fact, it pissed them off even more.

He knew that he was outnumbered and didn't have much of a chance, if he ran or screamed, he would lose his pride and their dicks would grow to the size of their heads. But if he stayed, if he didn't squirm or attack, these shadows would not be engulfing the full effect they had intended.

"What's so funny faggot?" One hissed.

He was shoved hard against the brick wall, the left side of his face pushed against it, while his arms were held out by the two other shapes of blackness.

He didn't say anything. He knew what was going to happen, so he closed his eyes as he felt his pants drop to his ankles.

Closing his eyes, he suddenly felt that he was watching himself, like a silent or muted movie. He heard dramatic orchestral music over the grunts of the attacker and the whole image suddenly seemed so surreal and hilarious that he found himself laughing out bitterly. _A fucking classic._

Once they had each reached their intention, he felt a hard blow to his jaw, causing him to fall limply to the ground. One of the Indefinable Creatures bent down and fiercely gripped him by the hair.

"Was it good for you, sugar?" The Thing sneered releasing the man's hair and standing up. He gave his victim a kick in the ribs for luck, before they each took turns to spit on him like some sick form of christening.

When they had left, he let out a groan of agony, before using the wall to help himself up. He staggered to the end of the alleyway, fixing his shirt, pants and hair. He straightened his back, with immense pain and wiped his face. _Pride._

He turned and began to walk back down the avenue, towards where he had parked his car.

He once again passed the different varieties of couples that he couldn't really give a shit about, as he pulled out yet another cigarette (the only uncrushed one) and lit it.

"Ahh, there goes Brian Kinney, the best fuck you'll ever have, but unfortunately by the biggest fucker you'll ever meet." A young, light haired man said to his partner next to him as Brianwalked past them.

* * *

Hope you guys are liking it so far...


	2. The After Party

"_Now remember children, if any person, especially an adult touches you in any way that makes you feel uncomfortable, you possibly could become the victim of sexual abuse. It is not an often occurrence, but, if you find yourself in the situation, please contact an adult immediately."_

"_But why would we want to trust adults if they usually are the ones to do this in the first place?"_

"_Brian Kinney, not all adults are bad people!"_

"_I thought you, being one yourself, would realize that they are. You're not married, are you Miss Crane? Why not?"_

"_Because I haven't found the right person yet. This is none of yours, or the classes' business."_

"_You haven't found the right person because there are no good people left, Miss Crane. Ok I lie. There is a MINIMAL amount, but we are slowly decreasing to shit."_

"_For a boy of fifteen Mr. Kinney, you are extremely cynical."_

"_And you, Miss Crane, for a woman of your age, you are extremely naïve."_

He unlocked the door to the loft and quietly tiptoed in. His breathing occurred in short, abrupt rasps of breath, almost as if clutching onto whatever oxygen he could blindly cling to. In reality, his chest and ribs ached from firstly the impact of the wall, then secondly the hard kick to the ribs.

Brian crept over to the bed where the sleeping body of Justin lay, enveloped in white sheets. Brian then leant over and watched his lover sleep with a look of pure, untainted innocence engraved into his face. _Sunshine._

For a second he contemplated slowly reaching over and touching the boy, but as he began to extend his arm to do so, Justin stirred a little.

"Brian? I have the best news." He mumbled in his sleep.

Brian quickly retracted his hand and entered the bathroom, shutting the door to shut out the rest of the world. He stood at the basin and stared, wide eyed like a deer in the headlights, into the mirror. _Fucking top job, Boys! _His hair fell into his eyes as they searched around and located the small grazes on the left side of his face then moving across to the bruise on the right side of his jaw where he was punched.

As he stood there, staring, his face suddenly began to turn dark and his eyes gradually blackened. _Was is good for you, sugar?_

Astonished at the metamorphosis of his face in the mirror, he instantly scurried backwards from it, his back meeting the wall. He looked down at his dirt covered and bloodied grey top and immediately ripped it off and threw it across the bathroom as if it was the central source of leprosy.

His breathing sped up again, this time he found it impossible to re catch his breath to return it to whatever fucked up type of regularity it was before.

He turned on the water knob of the shower and jumped in, still wearing his black pants, and allowed himself to slide down the wall.

He sat there, his head against the wall, the water trickling down his face and body in tiny rivers.

_Dear Mr. Kinney,_

_We would like to congratulate you on your excellence in receiving a severe beating (and just that bit extra!). You have now proven yourself worthy to be accepted as a treasured member of our organization. We watched the entire event from grand opening to the triumphant finale, oh and that encore kick in the ribs…BRILLIANT! What we loved most of all was how you didn't fight back, and how you laughed through your fear, just so the men wouldn't see it. Genius Mr. Kinney. Pure Genius!_

_Consider this your acceptance letter, we are thrilled to have you on board._

_Regards,_

_The Wimp-Assed Faggot Association. (The W.A.F.A)_

The water in the shower had finally run cold. Brian opened his eyes and assessed his surroundings, reaching the conclusion that he had passed out. _Fuck! _

He quickly cleaned himself up, strangely not feeling tired at all. Leaving the bathroom, he passed the bedroom area, listening to Justin's soft, regulated breathing as he approached the couch and sat on it. He faced the wall and continuously stared at nothing in particular. _Never happened. No one will know. Brian Kinney will never break. Ever._

* * *

_**Kessy Kate: **Of course there's more! Glad you like it, hun:)_

_**Josie: **Thanks a million!_

_**Sango - Kadie: **Thankyou so much! wow...that's so flattering! I'm speechless! TheresSOME pairing in this, but the story isn't really focused on it. xx_


	3. Morning Glory

Brian sat at his table, his fourth cup of coffee supplying warmth to his hands. He hadn't eaten anything since lunchtime the previous day, and couldn't bring himself to eat again. He knew it was bad for his system, he felt himself shaking, but the thought of food just made him feel physically ill.

Even worse, was the fact that he didn't sleep at all last night.

His mind kept dragging him into that alleyway, with memories so vivid that he could practically taste the dirt from the ground. He twitched nervously, shutting his eyes tightly.

Suddenly, he felt an arm go around his neck and he stood up in fear and violently pushed his attacker off him. He spun around quickly and grabbed the collar of his pursuer, and stared straight into the sparkling eyes of…Justin!

_Dear Mr. Kinney,_

_We have noticed you around lately and we believe that you might just possess many of the qualities needed to be a member of our squad. We are an unknown society and we intend to keep it that way. If our confidentiality is breached, we will have to remove you. Ok that was a joke but we will be disappointed if you do, as we will have to change our name and location. You will be hearing more from us. Ssshh!_

_The Underground Elite for Emotional Cover-Up Professionals_

"Brian! Wha…what the fuck are you doing?" Justin asked, a little fearful of his lover's sudden aggressiveness.

Both men lingered in silence for a few seconds, fear brimming in both of their eyes until Brian passionately pulled Justin in and caught the boy's mouth with his own. He closed his eyes as he felt his fear lower and he removed his hand from Justin's collar.

_Fantastic work Brian! Yes, you did hear correctly. We are now on a first name basis, as we are yet to give you a code name._

_The Underground Elite for Emotional Cover-Up Professionals_

"Well, good morning to you too!" Justin smiled as his hand rested on his neck. _What the hell was that? _He thought. He couldn't eliminate the look on Brian's face when he grabbed him…the image etched itself into his mind as he filed it amongst the things he would rather forget.

"Cereal?" Justin asked, strolling over to the kitchen.

Brian sat back down and shook his head.

"Coffee? Wait…no you already have one."

Brian remained silent…irritating Justin. He knew that there was no way that he would be able to find out what was wrong with Brian and it killed him knowing that that part of him would never change.

"Shit! What the hell happened to your face?" He questioned suddenly. _How did I not notice that?_

"Went to a bar and got in a punch up with a few guys." Brian responded sarcastically.

Justin was about to argue when he realized that he would get nowhere with Brian. He leaned against the kitchen bench, his cereal bowl in hand.

"Well guess what!" He said after a few minutes of silence.

Brian looked over to him. For the first time that morning, Justin _really _noticed what Brian looked like. There were feint black rims under his red eyes and scratches on his left cheek. He watched in awe as Brian lifted his chin and raised his eyebrows, waiting for Justin's answer, in his usual smart-ass way. In doing this, the bruise under the right side of his jaw was exposed, causing Justin to gasp.

"Brian, tell me what happened, please." He begged. He put his bowl down and stared at him.

"You have work." Brian said lightly, standing up and walking over to Justin. "Go and make us some money to put bread on the table" He smirked.

"I'm not going, I'm staying with you…something's wrong and I know it. I'm staying."

"No you're not." Brian said, fixing up Justin's collar. "Because I'm not letting you and because Debbie will kill us both if you do another no-show"

His lips brushed with Justin's as handed him his bag and then lightly pushed him out of the door.

Justin rolled his eyes before yelling "I hate you Kinney! If you weren't such a good fuck I would have ditched you by now" as he was being pushed out.

When he shut the door, Brian pressed his back against it and laughed a little, enjoying the feeling of an actual smile.

_What's so funny faggot?_

His eyes turned cold as his face dropped.

"Nothing." He replied aloud. "Fuck off."

* * *

Sorry this took so long guys! I'm on school holidays now so I will be more efficient I promise!

**Kessy Kate: **Thanks love! the other characters will be coming into it soon, I'm still kind of setting the scene!

**Thelinesblur: **Thankyou! That means so much to me, I LOVE writing. Thanks for your interest!

**SwollenBlackandBlueLips: **Haha, wait not more! I will be better with updates, i promise! Glad to see you're liking it though:)


	4. Day Plans

_Hey sweetheart,_

_We have been looking at you for a few years now, and while you are an extremely attractive figment of the male population (mmmmm), we are solid (oh boy are we ever! Maybe you should put a shirt on Mr. Kinney!) in our decision to temporarily place you in suspension from our organization. We hope you understand, and when the time is right for you darling, you can thrust your way back into the club with full, passionate, hair pulling, teeth clenching (oh make me stop!) vigor. There is always a place for you here, but maybe you should sort a few things out for yourself, ok, honey?_

_The Out, Proud, and Flamboyantly Loving It Squad. _

_PS: Although you opposed to those of us with a more flamboyant nature, you will be greatly missed by the 'Out and Proud' section of the squad. _

_PPS: Please put a shirt on like previously asked._

_PPPS: LOVING your hair right now!_

He felt his body shake. Not the type of shaking that makes your body convulse, or the type of shaking your body endures when cold, but the type of shaking that you feel branching out from the centre of your bones. The type that is achieved from caffeine, lack of sleep and above all: grief. The type that is unstoppable.

Brian's eyes scanned his empty loft, which had more recently become his sanctuary. The muffled sounds of passing cars, along with the amplified ticking of his clock plagued his ears and started to seep into his brain, filling him with a deep sense of uneasiness. He stood up from the kitchen table at which he had been sitting at for three hours now, and reentered his bathroom.

He faced himself in the mirror once again. Same scratch on the cheek, same bruised jaw, same bruised ribs, same scattered grazes, same old face.

_Brian,_

_You look like a sack of shit that isn't even worthy to vacate a toilet!_

_Yours sincerely,_

_Honesty inc._

Brian nodded to himself as he opened the mirror door and into the fascinating world of the medical cabinet. He wasn't well stocked in the meds department; but he figured he would investigate anyway. _Fucking hell! Why do we have shit all here?_

Slamming the door shut in frustration, he once again came face to face with his battered appearance. Feeling disgusted at what he saw, he picked up his tube of toothpaste and smeared it over the mirror, feeling relieved as he did so. _Better. No one beats Brian. No one._

Feeling a sudden wave of tiredness surge through his body, Brian decided to flop onto his bed. As he did so, the cell phone on his side table shrieked, causing him to jolt. He flipped the phone open.

"Yes?"

"Hey Brian, you gonna come join me and Hunter for lunch today?"

"As thrilling as it sounds, no."

"Fucking piker."

"Piker? How old are you Mikey?"

"I'll see you at two."

"Either me, or an empty seat. Have no expectations Michael. No expectations means no disappointments. Remember that."

Brian shut the phone before his best friend could respond to his wisdom, knowing that that was what always aggravated Michael.

He allowed his face to sink into his pillow, too tired to even pull the blankets over himself.

"_Kick it here!" Fifteen year old Michael yelled to Brian. _

_He had to snicker…God, the gym tracksuits back then were just way too attractive._

"_Are you gonna fucking kick it here or not?"_

_Brian looked down at the soccer ball near his feet. _

"_Why the fuck am I here?"_

_Michael jogged over to his friend, sweat lining his forehead. He wiped his red face with his shirt and regained his breath._

"_Man, you got old!" Mikey laughed._

"_Yeah? Piece of knowledge for you little boy: Unfortunately for you, you don't change at all in the future."_

"_Well, I guess you never outgrew being a prick."_

_Brian looked around the now empty soccer field from his youth. Suddenly, night fell upon the man and child as they conversed in the centre of the oval. The floodlights booted up loudly._

"_Man, I'ts getting late, I got a date tonight…I think she'd like it better if I was clean." Mikey said._

_Brian laughed bitterly. "Be sure to fuck her good for me."_

"_Shut up, faggot!" His friend spat out, hatred in his eyes. _

"_Hey! You were never this much of a little shit!"_

_Michael's face twisted into a lasting expression of hate. "Don't fucking talk to me like that!" _

_Brian remained calm, he knew this wasn't his friend._

"_Do you want me to kick the ball to you or not?"_

"_I have a better idea." Came the reply. Brian felt a sharp punch land directly into his bruised ribs, causing him to buckle over and kneel on the grass in agony and shock. _

"_We all get what we deserve, sugar." The child sighed with an eerie voice before pivoting andexiting the field._

Brian's eyes snapped open. He searched around his vacant room as he panted to retrieve his breath.

"I've gotta get out of this shit hole" He said, to no one in particular as he found a shirt and organised himself in preparation for lunch.

* * *

Hope you all are still enjoying this! Thanks a bunch for your interest!

**AllForYouRemy: **Thanks! yeah, the letters are basically in his mind...they sort of represent different parts of his mind. I'm glad you're still liking this, and I hope not to disappoint:)

**TheLinesBlur: **Thankyou hun! that means heaps to me that you think I have written Brian basically in character. I just love his character in general, so writing it is fun. Thanks again!

**Josie: **Thanks for your interest, love!

**Lady-Willowish: **Thanks! Well I'm not really much of an angst writer, so I thought i'd throw in a bit of fun stuff in there, otherwise the story would be boring! thankyou:)


End file.
